Category Archives: Life

You Are More

Standard

1a5b18b0a3430d0bdc2a18b2ecccb295

 

If I have to hear the words “you’ll be fine,” ” you deserve better,” “it takes time” or “other people have it worse” then I might just decapitate you or myself… I’m undecided. First of all, I know I’ll be fine, but can a girl feel crappy without being told that in time she will be fine? At that point the thought of getting through another minute seems like agony! At the point where you’re heart is breaking and it feels as though it has an anchor tied to it the last thing you’re looking for is the freaking silver lining. I’m not Annie; I’m not about to burst into song about the sun coming out tomorrow. If you want to comfort someone let them speak; let them say why they are hurt, because they’re trying to make sense of everything. Also, emotional pain is relative. Please do not compare me to some orphan who was abandoned or abused or something like that; don’t guilt me into feeling bad for being in pain.

Here’s the other thing, there is no need to make someone the villain of the piece to make the other person feel better. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Most of the time everyone involved is wrong or had some part to play in the whole thing. Sometimes in life we mess up on a colossal scale and that’s ok. Having friends and family to lean on is important, but don’t do the name calling. No one likes to see people who they care about hurting.

8e60d5c61cce20c7a93746a71d3e1329

I am more than the poor choices I have made this year. I’ve also made some pretty insanely great, life changing decisions! The thing is I cannot keep bashing my head against the wall and reprimanding myself for what I said, otherwise I will be an emotional masochist. I’ve spent a huge portion of this year at war with myself, conflicted between who everyone wants me to be and who I really am. I just have to look at the friends who I am blessed to have in my life who have stood by my side through the perpetual high’s and lows of this year. I must be a pretty damn good person to have people like them who support me through my crazy times.

20ded5bed0dd8fe8fb0d25d70e04151e

I never asked to be seen as perfect or to be put on a pedestal; I am unapologetically me.

Day 4.. How I ricochet between certainty and doubt

Standard

20140627-065436.jpg

I know I am quoting Sylvia Plath in the title, but it just seemed a very apt description for how I felt yesterday and how I’m feeling this morning. Certain that everything will be as it is meant to be; but because I’m painting a picture in my head I have set an expectation and that’s dangerous. I have this picture on my phone that is there to remind me about what I want every single day. That guy who wrote that book ‘the secret’ had better not have made all of that up..

I got to have a catch up with a friend who I have known for years! It was as if no time had passed since we last saw each other and she’s always been a constant in my life…Since we were teens! I think I spoke her ear off, but it was just amazing to hug her again. It was good to see someone who knew me prior to my ‘phase’. It was reassuring to be told that, all things considered, I have managed to pull myself together fairly quickly.

All the love and emotions I locked away for a while have come back. I kept trying to keep them hidden; like when your suitcase is so full that you have to sit on it to zip it up? Yes, I am full of emotions!!! Like a fluffy pillow that you want to snuggle 🙂  If I hug you for longer than necessary when I see you, just know it’s because I’m a little bubble of love and it’s not weird! If I say mushy things it’s because I mean them. I’ve never EVER been this happy to be me before and this terrified at the same time.

This might sound like the most obvious thing in the world to everyone, but I had tied my emotions to people; things; substances; experiences; and now I realise that I am the only constant in my life. The same goes for everyone. You need to be indescribably happy with who you are, otherwise, when you don’t have one of the other things you feel as though you’re missing something. You’re missing you. The other things are a bonus.

Xxxxxxxxx

Day 3… A drop in the ocean!

Standard

8251d7f40b8b54b0b9e48e62796443e6

I woke up this morning feeling tired and guarded. This whole opening up and questioning the universe thing is really draining. I made a joke! However, my first night in Cape Town was exactly what I have been needing! As I walked into our flat I thought to myself: Home! It felt good to feel home and comfortable. I have missed that feeling. I want a home like that; one that I build with someone that is filled with love, amazing memories and when you walk through the door it won’t matter what day you’ve had, because you’re home. I even found my bum mug and had tea in it! I love my bum mug… I carted it all the way back from Greece MANY years ago 🙂
I had an internal debate about whether to brave the cold and walk along the beachfront or not and then my mom convinced me. I even sat on one of the benches for a little while and just stared. My mind was pretty occupied with a few things, but I was acutely aware of how insignificant all of that can seem when you realize that it’s all just a drop in the ocean. I guess that’s what the feeling of contentment is. While fleeting, it was the first time in a long time that my mind felt at ease. Although, in that moment I was missing someone.

My sabbatical from Twitter and Facebook is going… Well, I still check up on things! I see pictures of my friend’s with their significant others and babies and I know I want that. I used to resent the engagements and “parents to be” announcements, but I’m done fighting it. I want it all. I have only responded to one person, but I guess that’s the thing about realising what and who is important to you. Blocking out all the other noise has been most helpful and I am trying to take control, which I guess is a good thing. It’s a lot easier to take control than we realise. The hard part is trusting yourself after you have let things get as bad as they have. I am reminded of a quote: “No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.”

xxxx

Day 2.. WTF?! But I mean what the actual f***

Standard
This is what I spent my flight doing...
43592731fc704e60b3884447088f0b87

If people thought I was over-thinking before, removing all the distractions from my life has increased the amount 
of free time I now have to over analyze everything. I am aware that it hasn't even been 24 hours-Eeeeekkkkkkk!!! 
It's good though :) very good. I don't feel the need to force that I'm tough and post motivational crap about how 
everything is fantastic even though it will be. I have no doubts about that.
What has hit me like a ton of bricks though is that I used to think I was self-aware, but now I see that I am 
self-deprecating. You know why that is? I thought it was better to admit my shortcomings before people pointed 
them out. WTF?!?! That's why today I am in WTF mode. Who in their right mind puts them-self down to make others feel 
better about themselves? If you do that STOP IT! It is unhealthy, unnecessary and I'm always the first one to 
tell my friends to stop doing that. 

I'm amazing! Yup, I said it. I've won awards for my writing. I've won awards for my acting. If I can, I will try 
to win awards for the company I'm putting my heart and soul into. I have such a soft and kind heart, I'm hilarious,
supremely intelligent, dedicated and I'm easy on the eyes. I have the most supportive, strong, reliable and 
gorgeous friends anyone could ever hope for and I think I'm a darn good friend to my friends- sorry, I've been 
horribly needy lately. My parents and all my siblings- the one I grew up with (love you brother dear and thanks 
for your support lately) and the others who opened their hearts and homes to me- are irreplaceable.
I'm going to quote p!nk now (you should prepare yourself for numerous pop culture references, because they're 
awesome):
"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead"

Life can be chaotic and cold and you'll have so many people against you that the one person you always need on 
your side is you. I don't think anyone ever has it all figured out, but we find pieces of our puzzle along the way.
Sometimes we'll gives pieces of our puzzle away when we shouldn't and there will be people who try to break you 
while you're building yourself and make you vulnerable, but the good news is that at some point when you're 
strong enough you will find that your pieces fit perfectly into someone else's and you'll start building 
something really amazing together. You're still going to slip up and make mistakes along the way. 
Breathe; because, it's ok.
xxx

Day One… Dum dum da!

Standard

b763f375c1767fd4217a0eec3c2e83b1

The truth is that this has been a long time coming. The problem and the reality is that only I have known that it has been a long time coming. I thought I was great at fooling everyone else into believing that I was fine when I really wasn’t. It didn’t just happen after my break-up; that was a subsequent side effect of underlying shit that I have been dragging around with me for a very long time. The crazy thing is that I thought I had faced it all, but the way I was dealing with everything was by making one terrible decision after the next and then finding some crazy way to justify it. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve sort of been the catalyst for all the shit and I finally have to face it; head on and on my own.

I blame myself for not addressing my issues sooner and for thinking that everything could be easily swept under the rug. You can try to push everything away, but you can never forget it and the next thing you know you get sucker punched in face as one of your memories or bad decisions wanders through your mind; or even worse, you have to speak to them.

I know this isn’t a joke, but that’s why it’s called a tragicomedy. Hey, I studied drama so let me go back to my roots here. It’s actually disgustingly sad, but eventually I’ll have to look back and smile, because I’m becoming a better person and what I’m doing now feels cathartic.

I keep wondering where to begin, but in all honesty I am far more curious as to where the road leads. I am not dealing with just a broken heart; a broken heart is just part of the whole colossal fuck up that is my current state of affairs. Yes, I swear. It’s how I express myself from time to time. I guess it began when I never figured out how to distinguish between the need to be validated by others, people who actually give a damn about me and generally not caring nearly enough about myself. I admit it; I have severe rejection issues and I would rather sabotage any chance of happiness than risk being let down. The subsequent effect is that I ended up losing someone who I could actually be myself around and who cared about me. I’ve lost multiple someone’s who genuinely cared about me. Now I need to care about me.

I keep being told that I live too much in my head, but that’s just who I am. I have a morbid fascination with death and loss and pain. Maybe, it’s because I’ve never dealt with mine. All things considered I actually enjoy life abundantly. I just need to learn to enjoy life abundantly on my own without requiring anyone by my side.

I took a sabbatical from the world of Twitter and Facebook. It’s hard. I keep wanting to look at my phone, but I want time to write, work hard, do things outside of my phone and computer. I ran off to the gym, which is my other escape at the moment, and it was while I was on the step machine I realised that writing would be the ideal outlet for me. Why did I abandon the social side of things when that’s what my job consists of? I figured that if I didn’t have to see the world and have constant reminders about everything I had lost while I was digging this bottomless pit of – I’ll tell you what’s at the bottom when I get there, although, I’m fairly certain I’m there – then I could actually start to live my life without constantly worrying about what people think about me and stop, for once in my life, trying to find the validation I need to be giving myself, elsewhere.

I’m not giving myself a time frame to come back to the world, but I’m sure it will happen when it feels right. I know I will fight with my soul to check it from time to time to get that little fix I need, but that too will go away in time. I’m nervous about what to do with all the free time I will have and yes, I’ll share these blog posts, but it’s just because it’s my way of getting it out there and I always feel if there’s anyone else who feels blue and wants a pick me up or someone to relate to then this is it.

I will end with a quote that speaks volumes about where I am in life that I have used before:

“Question: how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?

Answer, she doesn’t.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Worry about yourself

Standard

402b3919965ec0f6972289310a91fd96

For a while there I lost the ability to speak up; but it feels good to have my voice back. I have had people suffocating me for a really long time and that’s only happened, because I’ve allowed it to. I should be asleep right now, because I’m trying this thing where I don’t work through the night and I can actually manage to get through the week without feeling like death. Sigh. Here I claim to be a force to be reckoned with, but then I sit sulking in the corner instead of standing up for myself. I am tired of defending myself for things I haven’t done and I am done being ashamed of the things I have done!

I spoke to my brother and his words were magnificent: “Fuck everyone. Worry about yourself.”

So, that’s it. I finally have the freedom to decide who I want to have in my life and who I don’t. While my decisions making skills haven’t been perfect lately I still have a heart of gold and I am done with all of the back stabbing and rumours. If you have something to say about me speak up. I’ve never claimed to be perfect and later on is a new day for me to wake up and enjoy my life. I’m done feeling down and sad. Maybe I forgive so easily and so willingly because I feel as though I have so much I need to be forgiven for. So fine, I’ll forgive myself. That feels really good 🙂

xxxx

 

 

 

And everything will be ok…

Standard

1a54f4da8f331e9d25f2d10d1e67173b

I think what’s important here is the realisation that while it hurts; and I mean it’s a gaping hole in your heart that you cannot mend sort of pain, but no matter what, you can eventually overcome it and move on… and I will get there. I have been so concerned with not disappointing anyone and reassuring them that I would be alright so that no one worried about me that I forgot to feel anything… Now I have emotions pouring out of me whether I like it or not and it’s time to face it all. I’ve been pushing everyone away and closing myself off, but that’s ok, because I have great friends and they let me sulk and hurt on my own for a bit. Now they’re right back in there helping me pick myself up. My friend saw me ugly cry and she didn’t run away… the girl deserves a medal! (I haven’t lost my sense of humour)!!!

 

Is everything going to work out? I keep being told that I’m loving, caring, funny, sexy, smart, beautiful, fun, (a little crazy) and sugar and spice and all things nice. I know it’s all true. I’m a princess, but right now my heart feels as though it has been crumpled up, flattened, folded up and then torn into millions of little pieces only to be stomped on again… I didn’t know what broken was until I woke up on Tuesday morning and the pain was so acute I couldn’t ignore it.

 

d67e1175e627d7d7730eb6f9560a4e2c

And that’s what I’ve been trying to do… start all over again. I think sometimes we are so terrified of appearing weak that we hide our fears and we ignore what’s going on inside of us. there is always much to be thankful for in one’s life, but when you’re hurting you seem to forget about those things. I want great love; inconvenient, eat ice-cream in the middle of winter together, laugh abundantly, fold into each others arms, talk about everything, can’t live without each other kind of love.

xxx