The truth is that this has been a long time coming. The problem and the reality is that only I have known that it has been a long time coming. I thought I was great at fooling everyone else into believing that I was fine when I really wasn’t. It didn’t just happen after my break-up; that was a subsequent side effect of underlying shit that I have been dragging around with me for a very long time. The crazy thing is that I thought I had faced it all, but the way I was dealing with everything was by making one terrible decision after the next and then finding some crazy way to justify it. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve sort of been the catalyst for all the shit and I finally have to face it; head on and on my own.
I blame myself for not addressing my issues sooner and for thinking that everything could be easily swept under the rug. You can try to push everything away, but you can never forget it and the next thing you know you get sucker punched in face as one of your memories or bad decisions wanders through your mind; or even worse, you have to speak to them.
I know this isn’t a joke, but that’s why it’s called a tragicomedy. Hey, I studied drama so let me go back to my roots here. It’s actually disgustingly sad, but eventually I’ll have to look back and smile, because I’m becoming a better person and what I’m doing now feels cathartic.
I keep wondering where to begin, but in all honesty I am far more curious as to where the road leads. I am not dealing with just a broken heart; a broken heart is just part of the whole colossal fuck up that is my current state of affairs. Yes, I swear. It’s how I express myself from time to time. I guess it began when I never figured out how to distinguish between the need to be validated by others, people who actually give a damn about me and generally not caring nearly enough about myself. I admit it; I have severe rejection issues and I would rather sabotage any chance of happiness than risk being let down. The subsequent effect is that I ended up losing someone who I could actually be myself around and who cared about me. I’ve lost multiple someone’s who genuinely cared about me. Now I need to care about me.
I keep being told that I live too much in my head, but that’s just who I am. I have a morbid fascination with death and loss and pain. Maybe, it’s because I’ve never dealt with mine. All things considered I actually enjoy life abundantly. I just need to learn to enjoy life abundantly on my own without requiring anyone by my side.
I took a sabbatical from the world of Twitter and Facebook. It’s hard. I keep wanting to look at my phone, but I want time to write, work hard, do things outside of my phone and computer. I ran off to the gym, which is my other escape at the moment, and it was while I was on the step machine I realised that writing would be the ideal outlet for me. Why did I abandon the social side of things when that’s what my job consists of? I figured that if I didn’t have to see the world and have constant reminders about everything I had lost while I was digging this bottomless pit of – I’ll tell you what’s at the bottom when I get there, although, I’m fairly certain I’m there – then I could actually start to live my life without constantly worrying about what people think about me and stop, for once in my life, trying to find the validation I need to be giving myself, elsewhere.
I’m not giving myself a time frame to come back to the world, but I’m sure it will happen when it feels right. I know I will fight with my soul to check it from time to time to get that little fix I need, but that too will go away in time. I’m nervous about what to do with all the free time I will have and yes, I’ll share these blog posts, but it’s just because it’s my way of getting it out there and I always feel if there’s anyone else who feels blue and wants a pick me up or someone to relate to then this is it.
I will end with a quote that speaks volumes about where I am in life that I have used before:
“Question: how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?
Answer, she doesn’t.”